Today's Funnies

[Lord Drakelord]

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She knew what to do all right!



A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?" Maria: "Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.



The first is that I iron better than you."



Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"



Maria: "Your husband said so."



Wife: "Oh." Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."



Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"



Maria: "Your husband did."



Wife: "Oh." Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."



Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as well?"



Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did."



SHE GOT THE RAISE!





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Broke Back Deer Camp



Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.



The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."



The next night it was the second guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night."



The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said. The other two could not believe it! He looked rested and wide awake. They asked, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed patted his ass and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night."



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Insensitive woman

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.

Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"

Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... Just one more time before I die?" She says, "Of course, dear

"And they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep.

Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses.

"Honey, I have only 4 more hours.

Do you think we could.....?"

At this point the wife sits up and says,

"Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning... You don't."

[Tracy]

Those are great! The last one I'd heard before but the first two were entirely new to me.

Great jokes!