People's Army of Sonoma

Things I learned living in Texas .


1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Texas .

3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in Texas, plus a couple no one's seen before.

4. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

5. 'Onced' and 'Twiced' are words.

6. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!

7. 'Jawl-P?' means 'Did ya'll go to the bathroom?'

8. People actually grow and eat okra.

9. 'Fixinto' is one word.

10. There is no such thing as 'dinner'. There is breakfast, lunch and supper.

11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.

12. Backwards and forwards means 'I know everything about you.'

13. The word 'jeet' is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?'

14. You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH EM.

16. 'No. Jew?' is a common response to the question 'Did you bring any beer?'

17. You measure distance in minutes - e.g. 'it's down yonder about 3 minutes past that fillin station'.

18. You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.

19. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

20. You know what a 'DAWG' is.

21. You carry jumper cables in your car --- for your OWN car.

22. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Tony's, Tabasco and Ketchup.

23. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports and motor sports, and gossip.

24. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

25. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit 'a bit warm'.

26. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.

27. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past time know as 'goin' Wal-Martin' or 'off to Wally World'.

28. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chicken stew weather.

29. Fried catfish is the other white meat.

30. We don't need no dang driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive dag-nabbit.

31. You understand these jokes and forward them to your Texas friends and those who just wish they were from Texas.

Those are cute and most apply to Oregon too. LOL

A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

Road killed stew a favor around here

22. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Tony's, Tabasco and Ketchup.

Let me amend that to:
You only own four spices: salt, Tony's, Pace, and mustard.
Tobasco is for big-city folk. With Pace, it has enough consistency that you can get away with adding about 5 times as much. No ketchup needed, substitute with Pace.
No pepper needed, that's what Tony's Creole Seasoning is all about!

mustard? thats a yankee spice Jr!

We use katsup AND ketchup round these parts. *smiles*

Those were awesome .... but sometimes truth is stranger than fiction.

Two recent changes to Texas law:

1. Parents can now sign off that their kids have had behind the wheel practice with them. No more need for drivers ed for the youngins.

2. The Texas law that stated that Texans can use deadly force to kill ANYONE inside their house was extended to our vehicles now. I havent heard of a single car jacking since that went into effect. *smiles* Cause in Texas half of everyone carries a loaded, concealed weapon, legally. And nope Im not in that half, Im the half that just has a samurai sword and a baseball bat as my weapons of choice. So if someone dies on your porch, we have 2 options: drag em into your house or drag em near your car. *smiles*

KD

2. The Texas law that stated that Texans can use deadly force to kill ANYONE inside their house was extended to our vehicles now. I havent heard of a single car jacking since that went into effect. *smiles* Cause in Texas half of everyone carries a loaded, concealed weapon, legally. And nope Im not in that half, Im the half that just has a samurai sword and a baseball bat as my weapons of choice. So if someone dies on your porch, we have 2 options: drag em into your house or drag em near your car. *smiles*

Reminds me of a story read years ago about Italian prison crowding, their solution was to wipe some things off the laws so that they were no longer illegal, and one of those laws just happened to be the one that made it illegal to duel. Reporter mentioned a noticeable decline in bar fights in the following months.

So if someone dies on your porch, we have 2 options: drag em into your house or drag em near your car.

Around here the police are informing people to be sure and drag them in your house even if you shot them in your yard. They also said that if you happen to shot them and they fall out the window, drag them back inside and then throw some of the glass in the house to make it look like they jumped through the window to get in and then you shot them.

rofl that reminded me of an old geezer I worked with YEARS ago when I was a State employee.

he said prison overcrowding is easy to solve, just throw all the inmates in the Cotton Bowl, give em tons of knives and guns, and tell em the last one standing goes free.

I said "But doesnt that let loose the meanest criminal into society?"

Without delay, he said "nope, as soon as he walks out, throw him in with the next batch".

Sheesh.

This was from a guy that brought a loaded gun into a State office (thats a felony, even in Texas hehe) ... just to "show it" to a guy he just had a 2 hr argument with.

Double Sheesh.

And heres another beauty from the same guy. We were travelling instate, near Huntsville State prison, hes driving, Im shotgun.

A Huntsville prison van with bars on the windows passes us and here this guy starts honking his horn, and giving the guys the finger as they turn around to see him.

OUCH. I hid my face and said "damnit what are you doing?". he replied "I want the last thing they see before they go to prison is my ugly mug!"

I said "Hell I dont want them to remember me, they do get out on parole once in awhile ya know".

He looked at me like I was a looney and started honking more and giving them both fingers, steering the car with his knees.

SHEESH.

Oh yeah another one, same guy.

First time he meets me he asks me if Im a Democrat or a Republican. I said "Im neither, I vote for the best person". His reply "Independents are Democrats afraid to admit they are democrats".

SHEESH.

next question "Do you support the police or the criminals". I looked at him and said "Well, a criminal is a person who has been convicted of a crime, not just accused, so I guess I would say the police". He looked at me and said "You damn kids think you are so smart with your smartass answers dont ya?"

I started to reply and thought "this guy will never get it" and I walked off.

The end of the story is best ... at age 24 (2 yrs later), he (58 yrs old) was reporting to me (with my 4 promotions in 2 yrs). OMG did he hate that. He retired a week later.

I was told later by almost everyone that my promotion was the best promotion the State of Texas ever did. *smiles*

KD