Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
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1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died
peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his
car," --Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get
a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin"
and "Keep away from children." --Author Unknown
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a
support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the
bar," --Drew Carey
4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a
desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with
it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house," --Jeff Foxworthy
5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and
saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life
without even considering if there is a man on base," --Dave Barry
6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we
should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to
leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be
severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger
7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her
out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't
trying to teach you how to swim.'" --Paula Poundstone
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that
study: "Duh" --Conan O'Brien
9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway
through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a
slow learner," --Linda Montgomery
10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in
New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it
just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni
11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson
12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us
geography." --Paul Rodriguez
13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned
sixty and that's the law" --Jerry Seinfeld
14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case
of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from
smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson
15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the
same," --Oscar Wilde
16) "Suppose you were an idiot And suppose you were a member of
Congress. But I repeat myself" --Mark Twain
17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
At least they can find Afghanistan," --A. Whitney Brown
18)"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will
give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've
thought of that!'" --Dave Barry
19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow
Disease" was taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased
20) "Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll
have another beer." - W. C. Fields
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TEN BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK.........
10. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time."
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new business strategy."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Well! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to handle that big accounting problem."
3. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"
2. "Who put decaf in the wrong pot?!?"
And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk !
1. Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus name, Amen."
